Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
