Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
