wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He better not be in your backpack
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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