Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
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