Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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