i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
