There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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