Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
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