you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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