If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
