My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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