Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
