my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Houston, we have a squirter
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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