i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
