I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
