I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize