I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
