I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize