Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
