I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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