I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize