Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
