I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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