He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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