Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
