dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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