That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize