i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
