Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
