I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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