Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
