So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
