uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
