Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
