So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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