I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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