Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
