forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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