Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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