i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
