I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
