You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
