He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
