totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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