im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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