Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
