Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
