I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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