There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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