Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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