just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
