i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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