New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
