Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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