i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
