Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
