I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
