I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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