Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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