I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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