I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
